One Last Time... the Last Thoughts of a Dying Mother

11-17-19

My death began with a deafening crash

Oh my God oh my God what the fuck?

This isnt happening this is NOT happening

The sounds of our screams drown out the sounds of our radio

The car spins out of control

I Look down at my waist, no seatbelt; Im fucked.

In just 1 blink

New year new me became new year no me

What would become of the list I made

Of all the things I said I'd do someday

Just one question in my mind

Dear God why oh why?

I'm not ready - I

Had a plan

I know it's a big ask

just give me a chance

Perhaps the most disturbing thought of all

Who will be with my children when they get the call

Who will hold them when they cry

Answer confused questions like

Why isnt Mommy coming home tonight?

Will she come home to tomorrow then?

Ok if not tomorrow then when?

I never got to read that bed time story to my daughter

Or watch that movie with my sons

I'd give anything for one last hug

I'd hold them one last time and tell everything will be alright.

Someone

Out there

On that freeway

Robbed me of my life, stole away my last goodbye

Inside me rises a deep rage

Not at the driver that hit me but at myself

For all the 15 hour workdays

The missed tryouts,ballgames, and birthdays

Too busy making money

To make time for children, siblings and friends

And I couldn't bring it with me in the end

Too busy making a living to live.

My car barrels towards that wall at increasing speed

I reach for the love of my life

I put my arms around him one last time

I'll protect his body with mine

I'm not ready I didnt have enough time

Wait

Wait

I need more time please give me more time

I'm

Out

Of

Time

.

.

.

.siren sounds

Bright light all around

Bright flashlight in my eyes

"JULEEN!! JULEEN!! can you hear me? Do you know where you are? You were in an accident tonight you were hit by a drunk driver you are lucky to be alive."